I Want To Know What Love Is

Buon Giorno everyone!!! How was your new year?
1st of all i would like to wish everyone to have a great year ahead.May all your wishes come true and may your love life goes well.Happy New Year 2010!

Well, let's talk about mine.On new year's eve I didn't go to any place.Instead , i stayed at home with my mom watching tv shows.Of couse my friends asked me to join the party , but i think this year i should be celebrating it in a different way..that's right ----with my mom. I actually felt more comfortable at home watching tv shows with my mom's company.I mean , I m tired of all the crowds and shouting already.

So , be4 coming back to KL i actually did a lot of things in my hometown.On the 1st of Jan , woke up in the morning and i was seized by a whim..I had this feeling of wanting to jog around the lake garden.So , i told my mom to join me.The only problem is...i realised i don't even own a pair of sport shoes..mine was spoiled 1 or 2 years ago.I can't even remember when was the last time i jog.Mayb since that time when i lost my shoes.......I guess. Anyway, i m glad i still keep my pair of school's white shoes.It looks weird but who cares...at least i was wearing something.
Yes.It felt so familiar after all.It was like going back to 10 years ago when my mom used to take me to the lake during weekends. The same jogging track , the same fountain , the same trees. The only different thing is i m already grown up and now i m the one who took my mom there.
In the afternoon , I followed my mom to the mall to shop around.Saw one nike shoes i really like...but turn around...what???!!! rm259..i was like..r u kidding me? Of course my mom said she can buy for me since i got very good results for my exam.But i know if she will have to buy me that , she will end up eating instant noodle for dinner.So , I lied that the shoes are actually not that nice.I have seen some better ones somewhere else.We continue shopping around and in the end i didn't buy anything either it was too expensive or i don't like the thing.

So , the week carried on. I went to learn swimming with my friends , hanging out with them. Took my mom to Kenny Roger's and the cinema.And i have to say AVATAR was really nice.I would watch that again a thousand times.Mayb the 3D version?Hehe.And yes ! I used my own money..from where i got d money? lol..of course my last year CNY's red packet and my part time job's money. Not much left though but still can make it for some kenny roger's and movie tickets.
Well , now i m back to KL.The place where all complications started.I wished i never been here.But i know there is no turning back.1st week here already left me with a lot of headache.
Changing of timetable , having problem to access the uni's website and the bunch of shit mail in my PR can already drive me nuts.Yes , i dont have internet at my hometown.Which is why i was more relax and don't have to worry anything much.

Many things happened in this 1st week of my new year.Not the good one though.Knowing people had been lying to me , knowing that i was a fool in love.Yes , it started all over again.Can't i just get some rest and settle down.I really wish to.Don't like to torture my heart anymore.

Let's talk about the mail i got on PR.As usual , some guys who never bothered to read my profile send me mail again to ask for sex.Some offered me to **** them.Yes , and i did **** them all. Wait..r u mad?.of course i didn't do that..I rejected them all as i still know what i want in my life.I would rather jer* myself off than having sex with those pervert strangers.Some even send me message like : u should go back to the right track if not u will get hurt. What he meant was i should become str8 and denying the fact that i m gay.I mean r u serious? I m young but i m matured enough to know who i like and i m not gonna be someone i m not.And most importantly i m not gonna date a girl and lie to them.I wont feel happy by doing that.And btw , in a relationship..no matter if u r loving a guy or a girl , u will still get hurt if something went wrong.It has nothing to do with one being gay or not.

Life is too short to be someone you are not.

BE IT GAY OR STRAIGHT!

I was good in many things.But i was always a fool in love.No one appreciates the care i gave to them or the love i showed them.They just don't give a shit about it no matter how hard i tried.

Obviously there is no one will love me anymore other than my mom.Well , i always hope that i was wrong.But now i guess it's time to face the harsh reality.

During my holidays , I was away from internet and msn for 3 weeks. Every text i got on my phone was from my str8 friends asking where did i go and how m i doing.None of them are from the gay ones.Oh , yeah there is one.His name is K.He will sms me once in a while to ask me how i was doing. But still , i realised i have no friends in this circle.And surprisingly , i never met anyone the second time. Either i m not their type , i didn't make my move or i made my move but they think i m cheap and can easily take me for granted.WTF world is this...i didn't make my move they said i didn't work hard enough to show i m interested in working this relationship out; if i made my move they said i m too cheap.WTF! I m not a flip-flop ok?!For someone who said i m emo and should grow up..u should be thankful bcos it shows that i care. If i don't care i wouldn't have wasted my time putting my feeling and emotions in it.

There is someone i would really like to meet for the second time.He is G. I think I mayb like him and wanted this relationship to work out somehow.But , he is dating someone else. And i guess he is not interested in me...I don't know why.i just felt that way.We still talk on msn , but i was always the one who started the conversation 1st.Guess he doesn't give a shit abt me does he? i doubted.He told me he likes the guy with good body , of course i don't have a good body.But i have something that is more valuable which is a sincere heart. Oh ya , who gives a shit abt sincere heart right?

Guess i should stop this whole thing as soon as possible.Feel like deleting my PR acct , delete everyone in my msn,stop hoping that someone will actually love me.My heart is like can explode in any second..It just feels so pain...so pain. I just wanna know what love is.Why there is no one to show me. Who is gonna save this boy who is going to drown any second in the middle of the sea.Yes , we all know the answer....No matter how long the boy waited , there is still no one coming....no one..

they say there's always someone in a relationship who loves more,oh god i wish it wasn't me
Lonely E.S.

PS: Want to feel what i feel at the moment? close your eyes and listen to the song..feel the lyrics along..and maybe u will get a little of what i feel right now...thx

Love Will Show You Everything

Hola all my friends.. Thx for staying here with me throughout my journey of love.

(updated from my diary - 17 Dec 09)

So , today is the second day I m back in my hometown. Feel so good to be here again.The familiar room,the familiar bed and the familiar posters on the wall.Nothing much happened today . I woke up at around 1pm as I slept quite “early” last night. I missed the lake , natures and everything in my small but beautiful town. But , I still didn’t have the chance to see them as it was raining the whole day and I cant get out with my lovely motorbike. Had dinner with my mom . Felt so good when having dinner with her , glad that the feeling was back again. After that I watched some tv shows.

It’s almost 2.30 in the morning now. The reason I m still awake is that I just watched a movie and I was completely moved by it. It was an old, random movie that was in my laptop for a very long time and today I get a chance to watch it.

Btw , the movie is called ‘If Only’ produced in 2004 .

The story started with a man having nightmare about his lover died in a car accident.

When he woke up in the morning, everything that happened was exactly the same as what he had seen in his dream. He tried to avoid things that happened in his dream like taking a different road to work. Still, things happened but just in a different way. He knew that his lover is going to die at the end of the day. That’s where he started to see things differently. He realized that throughout his whole life , he had never love his lover and paying attention to her the way he should be. He did everything he could to love his lover on that very special day. He cherished every single moment with his lover , making decisions that he had never done be4 , living his life to the fullest and his life was completely changed on that day. He finally felt love and learned the way to love. I’m not gonna tell u guys about the ending bcos I don’t want to be a spoiler and perhaps u guys want to watch it urself one day.

‘ I loved u since I met u , but I wouldn’t allow myself to truly feel it until today.

I was always thinking ahead . Making decisions soaked with fear.

Today ,because of you , what I’ve learned from you , every choice I made was different and my life has completely changed.

And I’ve learned , but if u do that , then you are living your life fully. Doesn’t matter if you have 5 minutes or 50 years.

If not for today , not for you , I would never have known love at all.

Thank you for being the person who taught me to love . And to be loved’

From the movie – ‘If Only’

It was a movie that brought me so much emotions and so much thoughts. I was thinking why human always don’t know how to cherish things around them until they have lost it . And there is no exception for me. I always didn’t see the importance of something until I’ve lost it. Maybe till now I still didn’t learn the way of how to cherish things or person the way I should . But after watching that movie , I tell myself , that from today onwards , I m gonna cherish every single moment in my life whether it is a dinner with my mom or some hangouts with my friends . I m gonna cherish it all like never be4. I know I will see things in a very differently way now. And hopefully that will leave me with no regrets one day bcos I have no idea on what is gonna happen tomorrow.

I will surely watch this movie again. Maybe in a few years time from now , with someone that I love . And at that time , we will feel so blessed and cherish the love we share together. I just need a little more patience. I will wait. I will wait for that one day to come.

Be4 I hit the sack , I would like to give my readers a gift. It is the song from the movie that was so touching. I don’t know about u guys, but I have always felt the lyrics of the songs. Because I know , that every song has a story behind it.

Lonely E.S.

PS: Want to feel what i feel at the moment? close your eyes and listen to the song..feel the lyrics along..and maybe u will get a little of what i feel right now...thx

this is the ending song..enjoy

Time For Miracles

Hello to all my fellow folks...How is life treating u guys these days?
I hope everyone is doing great!

First of all , I would like to apologize for not updating my blog for almost 2 months...I was too busy for classes , exams and many other things . So , now , i m finally back here , sitting in my bed alone , trying to recall everything that had happened in these 2 months.....

To be honest , I don't even know where to start this. Throughout these 2 months , I learned a lot. I mean A LOT.Whether it was in the school or in the experiences i gained. I finally realised that I was lost in the process of searching for love. I was lost in the middle of nowhere , forgot what I really want in my life and the love that I was always searching for. Yes , I did a lot of stupid things that will leave contrition in my heart for my whole life. Little did I know that I was lost until some people scold me and save me from the hell. I would like to thank these people here , it means a lot.

Before i started this post , i was thinking of discarding all my previous posts which contained an immense amount of immature thoughts . But , after a while ,i changed my mind as i want to keep all those mistakes so that they can remind me not to repeat those mistakes again.As u read my previous posts , u can see that I was pointing my finger at all times to other people but never say anything bad about myself . I was always the right one and never thought of maybe it was my fault for something that happened. Now , I feel guilty and sorry to my mom , to my friends and to everyone that cares about me. But everything that had happened is not important anymore because I am back. Yes , the boy that believed in love , the boy that always have faith in himself , the boy that have strong pride in his heart, the boy that always being a good son for his mom IS BACK. Let bygone be bygone. I m starting my brand new life all over again.

OK , now lets get to the point that u guys always want to hear.
I didn't meet that much of people in those 2 months because I lost my faith in love and I m tired of giving but not getting back.I didn't reply most of the messages that i got on PR. I was busy for classes and final exams.

Do u guys still remember Z from singapore? He did keep his promise of visiting me after my exam and we met a few days ago.So ,that night be4 my last day of examination, he called me and confirmed with me about the next day's coming to malaysia. I was awake for the whole night.Part of the reason is I was doing revision for my last paper and the other part is I m too excited of meeting him tomorrow. So , in the morning around 9.20 he text me saying that he was in the coach already. Without having breakfast(as usual), I head to the examination hall. I finished my 3hours paper in less than 1h 30mins bcos it was quite easy for me. I headed back to my house and immediately text him telling him i m done with my exams..I felt so relief but yet very tired.While waiting for him , i fell asleep.By the time of 3pm , he called me telling me that he finally reached KL. I head to the school again and wait for the bus for almost 1 hour.Then i took train to go to the hotel he stayed. We met in the hotel lobby and i gave him a hug.At the time I reached there , it was almost 5pm.My stomach was empty and i started to feel the gastric again. He , being a nice guy , already bought me some doughnuts from Krispy Kreme when he passed by BTS.That was the 1st time I ever eaten the Krispy Kreme doughnut(i didn't even try dunkin doughnut be4 ..."yeah , i m from the jungle" , i told him..hehe) He also bought me a TOUGH bag and a pair of slipper from Singapore as well as his singlet and a pair of sport pants.

At night , we had dinner at BTS . And he bought Auntie Anne's Pretzels for me which was also my 1st time eating it lol. I like it very much. Then ,we went to SW to shop around and bought America's Next Top Model cycle 13.It was one of my favourite reality shows and it was his too.So , we watched our favourite show until midnight and go to bed.He hug me when i sleep which I like it very much.

In the morning , I opened my eyes and saw him beside me hugging me. I felt so loved and happy.He then kissed me and hug me tight.He did everything as I always imagine in my Mr. Right . We then have our breakfast at Krispy Kreme and shop around BTS be4 went back to hotel to have some rest. He headed to the gym and afterthat joined me beside the pool having our sun tanning . We went to The Curve to have our dinner in Tony Roma's. We ordered the same beef ribs.OMG..i can't tell u how tasty it was.When the bill came i felt guilty because he spent so much on me.Our plan to watch New Moon didn't work out because the showtime is too late. We then walk to 1U.(yes, walk) I felt comfortable walking beside him. Again , I tried something i never tried be4 which is baskin robbins ice-cream.(yeah now u know that I m really from the jungle , I didn't go out with my friends to town that much bcos they always spend a lot and i feel guilty bcos I m using my mom's money and she is alone in my hometown working so hard to earn that money for me.) Then , we went back to hotel to continue our ANTM show again.I massaged him and i glad that he like it.That night I had nightmare.And i shouted. Luckily he was there to hug me and tell me it's ok.


So , the next morning was actually the last day he will stay in Malaysia. I felt so sad but i managed to control my emotional side.In the morning , i kissed him and hug him so tight.Wishing that moment will freeze forever so that he doesn't have to go.We went to subway in Pavilion to have our breakfast(again 1st time..sigh..) And I did so many stupid things like spilled some coffee when I carrying the tray .I dont know why , I will always do some stupid things when I am with someone I like.And I had some communication problem with him as my English is not that good.I m trying so hard and I m learning how to talk well..I hope he can feel that and don;t blame me.Maybe I felt a little nervous or something like that.I felt so embarrassed after all.I knew I look stupid even though i didn't look at the mirror. We went back to hotel to watch Astro Boy. And afterthat I followed him to bus station . It was really hard to say goodbye. I wish I could tell him how much I appreciate him for coming down to KL from SG just to spend time with me.How much i felt comfortable having him around me.How much I care about him.I felt really touched.Not much people treat me as good as him. Yet , I can't put that in words and tell him. Instead , I gave him a big hug.I guess my hug worth a million words.I then walk to the train station and he went inside the coach. Finally i cant hold that emotion anymore. Looking back at the bus station , my eyes starting to get wet.I was thinking why people I care for always have to stay so far from me.And then I think of my mom. So , now I m back to my lonely life again. I will go back to my hometown to see my mom once i settled everything at school and my work.

I still miss him so much these days.Wondering how he was doing.I will never forget about the memories we shared together.Maybe he stay far away but when I walk he is with me(the slipper) , when I carry my bag(Tough bag) he is with me also. I didn't expect anything to happen now. At least I m glad that my faith in love is getting stronger and stronger.I will never ever give up on love . And like I say.......IT IS TIME FOR MIRACLES

Lonely E.S.

pls listen to the song as it was how i feel at the moment for him

PS: Want to feel what i feel at the moment? close your eyes andlisten to the song..feel the lyrics along..and maybe u will get a little of what i feel right now...thx

Start Of Something New

G'day Folks! Yes I m back for more.....

Here I m , back again , since i neglected this blog for 2 weeks.

As u can see the big title ..u know there are many new things happened in these 2 weeks.

Let's talk about D 1st...

As always we still have good conversation in MSN...he was sick that day...i wanted to go to his place to take care of him so much...but he said he can manage it...So the next day i did the same thing..waiting for him in front of my laptop wondering if he gets any better...didnt text bcos mayb he is sleeping.And late at night he was in msn..told me he went out for movie with a guy he met on PR that eventually became his bf i guess(fall in love is easy but to forget someone is really hard)...yes ,a bit disappointed ,my worry was unnecessary..i m making myself a fool lol....But anyway , life goes on...i m glad he is happy with his new bf ...One thing disappoint me is that we never talk that much anymore and he didnt online that much(he used to online everyday)..thats what i told u guys...will he treat me like the way he did(BFF) when he gets a bf? So , now i got the answer hehe...Anyway , i wish him all the best for his love life...

Continue in my list is Z(singapore)

Z is a Singaporean.Athletic build. An arab-pakistani-chinese mixed.We met each other on the PR(dating site) as he is coming to KL for 2days. The 1st day he was in KL , he invited me to this 'OB' club in town. He said i can sleep with him in the hotel and he can hug me when i sleep.He added he wont do anything to me.But too bad ,when he messaged me was around 11.30pm .SO there was no train anymore.Plus, i dont drive. So we never met.Anyway we chatted on Msn and started to know each other a little bit better...He is a cool guy and has a good personality.He said he is coming to KL in late november to visit me. So , as always ,we still chat on msn and really had good conversations together.Can't wait to see him soon.

Next is another Z(Malaysian)

Z is mixed race too.(Don't know why i always have fate with mixed race guys lol)

We also met on PR and we chat on Msn . One fine day , i decided to meet him in person to hangout with him. So , at 8pm i waited for the bus and went there by train.I reach at his place's train station at about 10pm(yes,far and i waited for the F bus for 1 hour.)So , he came to pick me up and we went for supper around his house with his friends which i later found out was gay also (bad gaydar lol) . Anyway i found that Z(malaysian) has a great sense of humor, After we had our supper, he sent his friends back home and we went to the town to met his other friends. Little did i know that the place we met his friends was just a few steps from the 'BB' club which is a famous one in town. We didn't stay long as he told his friends i m tired and need to go home(thanks Z) .Be4 we went off , he hugged his friends. Which, i think is very friendly and loving.Anyway,It was my very 1st day seeing the gay life and meeting gay people.Yes , i get shocked of something but i think i will get used to it one day. We went home and i got into his room.Took shower(alone,not together ok!).Listen to some great music.And then we both lying in the bed. Talking very personal stuff and i was very comfortable that day(i dont share much about my thing with other people).So , he hugged me and kissed me on the forehead and cheek(yes , my 1st time) He told me he cares for me and he understands all bcos he went through what i m going through right now. I was very pleased and grateful.I hold his face and kissed him on his face too.(i caused him pain as i didnt realise my finger nails hurt him and felt so guilty about it.)The conversation carried on.And that night ,i slept in his arms peacefully.(again , my 1st time) The next day i woke up at 9am.Hugged him from the back as he is still sleeping.After that , he sent me to train station as he has to go to campus to do his assignments.So that was it , the Z(malaysia).Anyway we didnt talk much on msn which i believed he is going through some problems right now but i couldn't help as i don't have much experience.So , i guess i should leave him alone and have some personal time.Hope he is doing great and his birthday is on next week. Plan to meet him but we will see what happen.

Next is S.

S is staying in another state.S sent me a message on PR saying that he is impressed by what i wrote in my profile about love.He added me on MSN and we started to chat. He said he likes me and he started to call me baby.He said i m so perfect for him as he likes the way i think and i m all that he wanted in a man. He asked me to become his bf .But i didnt reject nor did i accept his offer.Because i dont know much about him.He called me on the phone and we talk almost for 2 hours.He told me he will take care of me , treat me right and just wanted to be my man.Anyway we never met yet as he comes to KL campus once a week and goes back again. I m not sure if i like him or not as i m started to immune to sweet words as i believed actions speak louder than words.We will see what happen next.

Next is a bunch of random guys between A to Z whom sent me messages on PR asking for sex and fun.I still replied them and rejected them nicely but some even scold me money boy and things like that.I laughed along as i think it was very funny.Until now they still send me messages like that and i m really getting tired of it.Do they have eyes to even read my profile that i m looking for someone i can love?Felt so bad bcos everything is about sex, sex and still sex. I guess it is really hard to find love in PLU community. But still , i will keep the faith and most importantly i dont judge the whole community just bcos of some guys.Fair enough rite?

So that was all for today.I will keep u guys updated to my current situation. And don't get me wrong,i treat them all as my friends until now.I don;t wanna be that rush as i learned from the past. Patience is very important.And i wont date more than a person at the same time as i think that is like choosing one of them and left the other one heart broken.Most importantly it is not very respectful. I will stick to my quote 'whatever it feels right'.Hope everything goes naturally and it's gonna happen when it is supposed to happen.

KEEP THE FAITH!

Lonely E.S.

PS: Want to feel what i feel at the moment? close your eyes andlisten to the song..feel the lyrics along..and maybe u will get a little of what i feel right now...thx

Sorry

Hey guys sorry for not updating my blog for such a long time...been busy on many things....too many interesting things happened around me...anyway of course i will tell u guys what happened..i have my exam later ,so maybe i will update by tonight or tomorrow...ciao

Regards,
Lonely E.S.

Inconsolable

How r u guys doing?

Anyway , the story continues.It was a long day. I read the books , walk around lying in the bed and try not to think about him. I thought i could.But, i failed. Waiting , no message , no MSN . Wondering how was his day . So , i text him asking him how is he doing. He replied that he was out and having headache. I started to worry about him.He told me he was out with someone(his ex) this afternoon. Yeah jealous again. Wish i could go out to hangout with him also.
Waited in front of laptop and fell asleep again.

When i woke up it was about 10pm , he sent me message on msn. So , we talk and talk as usual.The only different thing is that i am trying to make a gap between me and him.I was thinking maybe it's time to let him go.And he felt what i was doing too.But then , i regret.I don't think i can live without seeing him and talking to him. We continued talking.And he asked me why i didn't go to his house a few days to hangout with him. Yes , i m happy.But i m not sure whether he is kidding or really want me to be there.U know...i just can't wait to hug him anymore.That night i sleep quite tight. seeing each other sleeping on cam.Finally ,i felt peaceful .
The next morning was the best i had.Seeing him right beside me(yes on cam , but who cares).I'm so glad to be the 1st one saying good morning to him.The only bad thing is i couldn't give him a hug hehe.

We talk for the whole day.I enjoyed his company with me.And i really hope he did too.So ,we did some maths together and discussing about the questions.Be4 he go , i tease him asking him to come see me.(not tease actually,really wanna see him)But he said petrol expensive la ,lrt expensive la.Don't want him to waste money on me though.Told him i understand it's ok.Wish i could tell him if he doesn't mind i will take train to see him.But i don't like to go somewhere uninvited. Now , i m left with confusion and doubts. Now he is single .Will he treat me the same way like this after he got a bf again? will he still let me talk to him cam to cam? sleep with him cam to cam?Hangout with me sometimes?Or is he gonna left me unconcerned.The fear started again.And yes , i m not gonna lie, i m still in love with him.Deeper and deeper.Loving someone that u will never have is really hurt..I hope i could just tell him i don't want to be his friend anymore and hope he will love me for my sincerity.He told me never give up on my life and in whatever i do. So , till the end of my life , i will never give up on him.The door will always open for him.I will be there for him whenever he needs me.Only for him.The special one - D.

In tears again,
Lonely E.S.

PS: Want to feel what i feel at the moment? close your eyes and listen to the song..feel the lyrics along..and maybe u will get a little of what i feel right now...thx

Bleeding Love

G'day readers ,

In this post i m going to continue the story to the next day of the previous post.So that day i went home(current home). In the bus still thinking about him all the way from starting point to the destination.This journey is the longest i have taken.I don't know why.Maybe i just can't wait to go back home to online and see him? Could be. So as i reached at bus station , i went to plaza rakyat lrt station.While waiting for the train , I looked around. Looking for his(D) face. Yes i m mad. I wish he will wait me there even i said i don't wanna meet him.In the train , i keeping looking around.Searching for the face i wanted to see the most these days.I know he won't come.But i just have this hope.U can call me stupid on that I don't mind.

Later , finally received his message on the way home.He asked me if i m feeling better.I told him i don't know..bcos it was a mess in my brain.I don't even know what i m feeling.So he told me that he is on the way to somewhere , somewhere which will pass through my house.At that moment , i know how i feel , i wanna see him so much and hug him. But , i bare the feelings knowing that i can't be like this.So i told him to have good time with his family.That was in the evening , I fall asleep (i didnt sleep yesterday).................

Lonely E.S.

PS: Want to feel what i feel at the moment? close your eyes and listen to the song..feel the lyrics along..and maybe u will get a little of what i feel right now...thx