Start Of Something New

G'day Folks! Yes I m back for more.....

Here I m , back again , since i neglected this blog for 2 weeks.

As u can see the big title ..u know there are many new things happened in these 2 weeks.

Let's talk about D 1st...

As always we still have good conversation in MSN...he was sick that day...i wanted to go to his place to take care of him so much...but he said he can manage it...So the next day i did the same thing..waiting for him in front of my laptop wondering if he gets any better...didnt text bcos mayb he is sleeping.And late at night he was in msn..told me he went out for movie with a guy he met on PR that eventually became his bf i guess(fall in love is easy but to forget someone is really hard)...yes ,a bit disappointed ,my worry was unnecessary..i m making myself a fool lol....But anyway , life goes on...i m glad he is happy with his new bf ...One thing disappoint me is that we never talk that much anymore and he didnt online that much(he used to online everyday)..thats what i told u guys...will he treat me like the way he did(BFF) when he gets a bf? So , now i got the answer hehe...Anyway , i wish him all the best for his love life...

Continue in my list is Z(singapore)

Z is a Singaporean.Athletic build. An arab-pakistani-chinese mixed.We met each other on the PR(dating site) as he is coming to KL for 2days. The 1st day he was in KL , he invited me to this 'OB' club in town. He said i can sleep with him in the hotel and he can hug me when i sleep.He added he wont do anything to me.But too bad ,when he messaged me was around 11.30pm .SO there was no train anymore.Plus, i dont drive. So we never met.Anyway we chatted on Msn and started to know each other a little bit better...He is a cool guy and has a good personality.He said he is coming to KL in late november to visit me. So , as always ,we still chat on msn and really had good conversations together.Can't wait to see him soon.

Next is another Z(Malaysian)

Z is mixed race too.(Don't know why i always have fate with mixed race guys lol)

We also met on PR and we chat on Msn . One fine day , i decided to meet him in person to hangout with him. So , at 8pm i waited for the bus and went there by train.I reach at his place's train station at about 10pm(yes,far and i waited for the F bus for 1 hour.)So , he came to pick me up and we went for supper around his house with his friends which i later found out was gay also (bad gaydar lol) . Anyway i found that Z(malaysian) has a great sense of humor, After we had our supper, he sent his friends back home and we went to the town to met his other friends. Little did i know that the place we met his friends was just a few steps from the 'BB' club which is a famous one in town. We didn't stay long as he told his friends i m tired and need to go home(thanks Z) .Be4 we went off , he hugged his friends. Which, i think is very friendly and loving.Anyway,It was my very 1st day seeing the gay life and meeting gay people.Yes , i get shocked of something but i think i will get used to it one day. We went home and i got into his room.Took shower(alone,not together ok!).Listen to some great music.And then we both lying in the bed. Talking very personal stuff and i was very comfortable that day(i dont share much about my thing with other people).So , he hugged me and kissed me on the forehead and cheek(yes , my 1st time) He told me he cares for me and he understands all bcos he went through what i m going through right now. I was very pleased and grateful.I hold his face and kissed him on his face too.(i caused him pain as i didnt realise my finger nails hurt him and felt so guilty about it.)The conversation carried on.And that night ,i slept in his arms peacefully.(again , my 1st time) The next day i woke up at 9am.Hugged him from the back as he is still sleeping.After that , he sent me to train station as he has to go to campus to do his assignments.So that was it , the Z(malaysia).Anyway we didnt talk much on msn which i believed he is going through some problems right now but i couldn't help as i don't have much experience.So , i guess i should leave him alone and have some personal time.Hope he is doing great and his birthday is on next week. Plan to meet him but we will see what happen.

Next is S.

S is staying in another state.S sent me a message on PR saying that he is impressed by what i wrote in my profile about love.He added me on MSN and we started to chat. He said he likes me and he started to call me baby.He said i m so perfect for him as he likes the way i think and i m all that he wanted in a man. He asked me to become his bf .But i didnt reject nor did i accept his offer.Because i dont know much about him.He called me on the phone and we talk almost for 2 hours.He told me he will take care of me , treat me right and just wanted to be my man.Anyway we never met yet as he comes to KL campus once a week and goes back again. I m not sure if i like him or not as i m started to immune to sweet words as i believed actions speak louder than words.We will see what happen next.

Next is a bunch of random guys between A to Z whom sent me messages on PR asking for sex and fun.I still replied them and rejected them nicely but some even scold me money boy and things like that.I laughed along as i think it was very funny.Until now they still send me messages like that and i m really getting tired of it.Do they have eyes to even read my profile that i m looking for someone i can love?Felt so bad bcos everything is about sex, sex and still sex. I guess it is really hard to find love in PLU community. But still , i will keep the faith and most importantly i dont judge the whole community just bcos of some guys.Fair enough rite?

So that was all for today.I will keep u guys updated to my current situation. And don't get me wrong,i treat them all as my friends until now.I don;t wanna be that rush as i learned from the past. Patience is very important.And i wont date more than a person at the same time as i think that is like choosing one of them and left the other one heart broken.Most importantly it is not very respectful. I will stick to my quote 'whatever it feels right'.Hope everything goes naturally and it's gonna happen when it is supposed to happen.

KEEP THE FAITH!

Lonely E.S.

PS: Want to feel what i feel at the moment? close your eyes andlisten to the song..feel the lyrics along..and maybe u will get a little of what i feel right now...thx

Sorry

Hey guys sorry for not updating my blog for such a long time...been busy on many things....too many interesting things happened around me...anyway of course i will tell u guys what happened..i have my exam later ,so maybe i will update by tonight or tomorrow...ciao

Regards,
Lonely E.S.

Inconsolable

How r u guys doing?

Anyway , the story continues.It was a long day. I read the books , walk around lying in the bed and try not to think about him. I thought i could.But, i failed. Waiting , no message , no MSN . Wondering how was his day . So , i text him asking him how is he doing. He replied that he was out and having headache. I started to worry about him.He told me he was out with someone(his ex) this afternoon. Yeah jealous again. Wish i could go out to hangout with him also.
Waited in front of laptop and fell asleep again.

When i woke up it was about 10pm , he sent me message on msn. So , we talk and talk as usual.The only different thing is that i am trying to make a gap between me and him.I was thinking maybe it's time to let him go.And he felt what i was doing too.But then , i regret.I don't think i can live without seeing him and talking to him. We continued talking.And he asked me why i didn't go to his house a few days to hangout with him. Yes , i m happy.But i m not sure whether he is kidding or really want me to be there.U know...i just can't wait to hug him anymore.That night i sleep quite tight. seeing each other sleeping on cam.Finally ,i felt peaceful .
The next morning was the best i had.Seeing him right beside me(yes on cam , but who cares).I'm so glad to be the 1st one saying good morning to him.The only bad thing is i couldn't give him a hug hehe.

We talk for the whole day.I enjoyed his company with me.And i really hope he did too.So ,we did some maths together and discussing about the questions.Be4 he go , i tease him asking him to come see me.(not tease actually,really wanna see him)But he said petrol expensive la ,lrt expensive la.Don't want him to waste money on me though.Told him i understand it's ok.Wish i could tell him if he doesn't mind i will take train to see him.But i don't like to go somewhere uninvited. Now , i m left with confusion and doubts. Now he is single .Will he treat me the same way like this after he got a bf again? will he still let me talk to him cam to cam? sleep with him cam to cam?Hangout with me sometimes?Or is he gonna left me unconcerned.The fear started again.And yes , i m not gonna lie, i m still in love with him.Deeper and deeper.Loving someone that u will never have is really hurt..I hope i could just tell him i don't want to be his friend anymore and hope he will love me for my sincerity.He told me never give up on my life and in whatever i do. So , till the end of my life , i will never give up on him.The door will always open for him.I will be there for him whenever he needs me.Only for him.The special one - D.

In tears again,
Lonely E.S.

PS: Want to feel what i feel at the moment? close your eyes and listen to the song..feel the lyrics along..and maybe u will get a little of what i feel right now...thx

Bleeding Love

G'day readers ,

In this post i m going to continue the story to the next day of the previous post.So that day i went home(current home). In the bus still thinking about him all the way from starting point to the destination.This journey is the longest i have taken.I don't know why.Maybe i just can't wait to go back home to online and see him? Could be. So as i reached at bus station , i went to plaza rakyat lrt station.While waiting for the train , I looked around. Looking for his(D) face. Yes i m mad. I wish he will wait me there even i said i don't wanna meet him.In the train , i keeping looking around.Searching for the face i wanted to see the most these days.I know he won't come.But i just have this hope.U can call me stupid on that I don't mind.

Later , finally received his message on the way home.He asked me if i m feeling better.I told him i don't know..bcos it was a mess in my brain.I don't even know what i m feeling.So he told me that he is on the way to somewhere , somewhere which will pass through my house.At that moment , i know how i feel , i wanna see him so much and hug him. But , i bare the feelings knowing that i can't be like this.So i told him to have good time with his family.That was in the evening , I fall asleep (i didnt sleep yesterday).................

Lonely E.S.

PS: Want to feel what i feel at the moment? close your eyes and listen to the song..feel the lyrics along..and maybe u will get a little of what i feel right now...thx

Do I Have To Cry For You?

Dear lovely readers ,

The story continued. D came back from church and text me. He asked me what time i m going back the next day.So , we text and text.He said maybe he is going to visit me the next day because he will probably pass by my house tomorrow..Yes, i m touched and happy.Believe me readers , i wanna hug him so tight and never let him go and hope the time will freeze forever.But this feelings doesn't last long.I started to have fear again.That fear of getting rejected by him , the fear of him don't like me anymore after he see me. As i said , i really wanna meet him so much.But if it will be the final time for me to see him and hug him..i rather not meeting him.Yes , i am desperate.I don't know how to deal with that.I love him , and i never wanna lose him.


So i called him on the phone late at midnight. I told him that maybe we shouldn't meet tomorrow because i m just not ready yet. I told him my fear. I started to cry.(i told him it was a flu ..don't wanna let him know i cry for him..but i think he knew)I wish i could tell him how much i love him but i couldn't.I told him everything(almost) that i felt.I told him i m really tired on this .

We talked throughout the night.He shared his experience with me and told me that he understand my feelings as he went through that be4.I even told him i never want to be his friend(yes, a silly mistake indeed...i broke his heart)And the important part came , he told me why he can't love me because i m just not his type.He doesn't want to hurt me.My hands were shaking and i felt so cold.At that moment , i just wanna hug him so tight and look into his eyes to tell him that's why i love him.Bcos of his genuine heart , his kindness.(i never love him because of his look).But he was not there for me. I bare the pain deep inside my heart.It was broken into pieces...a million pieces.And so , we finsihed our conversation as he doesn't want to talk about it and feel sleepy.I understand and i said goodnight to him.


I wished i never tell him what i told him in the phone...I never want to break his heart and bring him much troubles.At that moment , i hate myself even more. I make his life even more complicated.All the tears and sadness are enough for him..He deserves every happiness in life.But i just couldn't put away that love for him.I just cant. Again , i didn't sleep that night.Mayb i did.But i don't know anymore. I started to think again. How nice is it if i were to born the way he likes.Everything will be so different in that way. Looks , personalities.....all perfect for him...And we will live a happy life together that we ever wanted. But , deep in my heart...i know ,that will only happen in my dreams....
Can't control the tears again.

I love you so much D , do you know that?
Lonely E.S.

PS: Want to feel what i feel at the moment? close your eyes and listen to the song..feel the lyrics along..and maybe u will get a little of what i feel right now...thx

Random Quote

“I wept recognizing that no one was perfect, and that if we expected to be loved for all our imperfections, why are we so reluctant to accept and forgive the imperfections of others?”

Yasmin Ahmad, The Film Maker

So Sick

Dearest readers,

Yes , the title said it all..i m sick. Probably because of the rain last night? Or bcos i m missing him too much? Felt so useless lying in my bed now. Yes , still the same , i wanted to see him so much.But this time i don't have the strength anymore.I m tired physically and mentally.Can't even get up from the bed. Don't have appetite(even my favourite McD french fries cant do anything about it.)

In the bed , holding my phone , waiting for his message.Everytime i got a message i get so excited.But it ended up to be somebody else.I wanted to text but i scared if he is dating with somebody else and how if i were to ruin it all.Typing the text but never press the send button. While waiting his message , i fell asleep. When i woke up it was about 6pm. Still not getting any messages yet. Started to worry if something happened to him.So i text him and asked if he is testing me or forgot about me.He replied "Not 4get you.testing u perhaps" I smiled.Yes i did.I was relief ..i know he is ok. As he was going to church for mass, i told him to text me after he got back.

I miss you D , do you know that?
Lonely E.S.

PS: Want to feel what i feel at the moment? close your eyes and listen to the song..feel the lyrics along..and maybe u will get a little of what i feel right now...thx

Far Away

Greetings my dearest readers , glad that u r still here with me.

Today i woke up late at about 12.30pm. Didn't do anything though...just watched some movies and walk around in my house. Yes , i m missing him(D).SO SO SO much.I miss him since i woke up(even miss him when i m sleeping, dreamed about him these days)

Wanted to text him and know how is he doing..But the other naughty part of me telling me not to bcos i wanted to test if he miss me too.And i guess he did. About 3pm , finally he text me "No news from somebody.U testing me?" See the point now? He knows what i m doing and what i m feeling.And i think i know how he feels too.Sweet ,isn't it?How nice if he were my bf. I asked him if he miss me.He denied it.But still,i know the real answer.I guess he also know i miss him too.


So far away he is from me.But i can feel him right inside my heart , occupied every single space of my heart.I don't know if he feels the same way too.It was raining that time , something came into my mind. I wanted to see him so much..yes..so much.Without hesitation , i ride my bike and head to my aunty house so that i can online to see him. Who cares about the rain though..it is nothing for me compared to the love i have on him.(Yes i m crazy , i never do such thing to a person in my life ,but still i feel worth doing it for him.Just to see him even for 1 second.)So now u know how much i care about him. How much i love him.

After sign in into my MSN...I saw he is online.Thank God.Sent him message and called him on the phone.No reply...............Yes , i think he is sleeping AGAIN..lol....Felt a little bit upset as u know i want to see him so much. But then i never regret to go all the way in rain to see him.I was doing exactly want i wanted to do.I put my effort on it. I followed my heart. So , no regrets.
As i type my tears started to drop again....

I love you D , do u know that?

For you , my special one,
Lonely E.S.


PS: Want to feel what i feel at the moment? close your eyes and listen to the song..feel the lyrics along..and maybe u will get a little of what i feel right now...thx

Home / I Don't Want To Miss A Thing

So today i decided to go home...yes i m homesick..but the main reason is to get some rest,to get a peace of mind.i told him in the morning that i will be going back home, so he wished me to have a safe ride.i asked him to keep in touch with me.At 2pm , he did. he sent me messages asking me to have my lunch. Yeah , as always , i forgot. He asked me to endure it and drink water in the mean time and go to sleep. Yes , i did what he said. And then i fell asleep....Not long though...but tight.I m very happy he cared for me.Really really happy.


Anyway , that night i couldn't sleep. All i ever think about is him. At about 12.30am I went to my balcony and staring out into the sky..no stars..i wondered is he sees any star in his place.I didnt text him as he told me he will have a date.I wish i could text him and spoil his date..But i just can't , i love him. Remember i told u guys all i want is happiness for him? Yes , jealous and pain..deep in my heart. Suddenly , I got his message( i had been holding my phone with me throughout the day and waiting for his message). He said he miss me. Yes , means a lot to me.He sent me the message just right in time that i needed it.



We continue to text , in a while i got no reply...i know he must be falling asleep..Yes , i wanna know if he is ok or not.Getting no reply is just killing me.But , i dont wanna wake him up.So i didnt call , i didnt text.Still at my balcony staring into the sky.The thinking went on.
(from my diary - no internet at home)

Lonely E.S.


PS: Want to feel what i feel at the moment? close your eyes and listen to the song..feel the lyrics along..and maybe u will get a little of what i feel right now...thx

Breathless

I chat with D as usual these days.Everytime i was like can't wait to go home to talk to him. And everytime i do..i fall even deeper for him. i just cant take these feelings away now.it's so hard u know.But i just couldn't tell him.I don't wanna break his heart and bring him much troubles again.I want him to be the one i can rest my head on , i want to be the one to take care of him and love him , i want to be the one who takes care of him when he fall sick ,i wanna be the one to pull his blanket up so that he wont feel cold at night , i wanna be the one to lend him my shoulder whenever he needs it ,i wanna be the one to tell him everything is gonna be ok because he has me .(vice versa)
I can't lie to myself anymore , i love him .


The night continued with chatting. When he told me he is going to meet someone the next day ,i was heart broken. Yes , i love him and i want him to be happy to do whatever he likes. But it is just really hard to put that feelings away and know that he is looking for any chance in his life. Still , i wish him good luck with a broken heart.

Anyway , afterthat i got into remote assistant and got access to his computer. i was trying to help him to get rid of the bad anti-virus program. With patience, he told me about everyone in his MSN list..Afterthat he fell asleep.yes , he looks tired..u don't know how much i wanna hug him at that moment. He left the computer there and let me have control of it..didnt do much though after he slept..glad that he trusted me. i left a note for him on the desktop with some encourage words hoping when he wakes up , i m the 1st one to wish him good morning. I closed my eyes.Couldn't sleep. But i felt safe.I felt like i m not alone and he is just right beside me.The special one -D.

Lonely E.S.

PS: Want to feel what i feel at the moment? close your eyes and listen to the song..feel the lyrics along..and maybe u will get a little of what i feel right now...thx

Crush ( This time is real)

Do u know that i never bothered to search for someone online? i just don't like it..I don't know why.But there was one special day i started to put aside my stubborn thinking and started to search on this so-called dating site.(this is my fate i guess)I saw a bunch of sexy photos but that will never get my attention.I continued down the list..Something caught my eye..'looking for love'.I clicked on his profile and read his about me...i was thinking 'hmm..this boy had so much common with me..in the way of thinking and blablabla' so without hesitation..i added him in my MSN list.

His name was D.At first i was just like ,ok, just normal chat nothing special.Didnt expect much though...But then i found that what we thought are almost all the same...i can really feel for him. He started to make me laugh..for the 1st time i laughed from the heart...not the fake one i used to. I was having a really good tome chatting with him..sharing our thoughts.Then i called him on the phone in MSN..we started to talk and we really like each other(for me yes,but i dont know if he does) And there was a time he got a message from his ex and felt bad about something..i was so helpless sitting infront of the computer and can't do anything about it.I tried to console him..to tell him he is not alone..afterthat he got better..And afterthat i shared my life with him and i started to cry (as i told u guys i never tell anyone about my life) I dont know why i will tell him..i just feel so comfortable to talk with him.I followed my heart.

We talked and talked from about 9pm to 5am (longest i have ever had..ps:i have exam the other day,but i know what is more important for me)he started to give me faith and gave me supportive words.After that it all changed when he see me in the facebook.the 1st think i heard is 'u r not my type' i get stunned and so hurt..(there was one middle-east guy i meet several weeks ago that also said i m too short for him but i never feel that hurt because i dont have any feeling for that guy) But this time is a different story..we liked each other..but because of my look..it all changed.i started to get upset and have thoughts of killing myself...i told him i will kill myself and said bye.

That day,,..about 5.00A.M. i went out for a long walk and sit beside the pond opposite of my house.All kinds of thing was flashing in my mind.i was thinking..i never feel so hurt be4..why this time it is so hurt.no one ever make me feel that hurt be4..And then i realised..it was the real crush.the 1st ever in my life.(yes i had crush here and there but this one is just so special..feelings)Yes , indeed i m in love. i was thinking of jumping into the pond..but the pictures of my mom came into my mind.i couldn't break her heart.yes..it was so hard sitting alone beside the pond and wanna die but couldn't..i went back to home(didnt go for school) i closed myself in the room and i didnt eat anything for the whole day(this time i cant even feel the pain in my tummy, my brain is thinking of something else)

Late at night i sent D a message asking for forgiveness because of what i said to him..yes i felt so guilty..i m the type of person who rather take the pain by myself and not letting anyone feel the pain.and he forgave me.i said mayb we should be friends.BFF (best friend forever) perhaps..Yes i m still in love with him..but what to do..he doesnt love me. i dont really know how to handle that feelings. i cried(i dont remember the last time i did)..So that was it.we still chat in MSN..but everything seems to be different..because i m not his type now..so there is a limitation there.That night..i cant sleep ..keep thinking why i have to born like this.it is my fault to born this way i cant blame him for not loving me.( i wish i could hate him for not liking my looks, but i just cant, i dont know why)I was watching him sleeping through the cam.He slept well..which gave me a lot of relief..because all i want for him is happiness not troubles.

Lonely E.S.

PS: Want to feel what i feel at the moment? close your eyes and listen to the song..feel the lyrics along..and maybe u will get a little of what i feel right now...thx
PS2:i sang along with this song for many times but i never felt anything.but now i feel the pain because i know whats the meaning behind the lyrics.

All By Myself

So the story started 18years ago...that was the time I was born...My family members were mom , dad and me.Everything seems so beautiful.If u met us at that time,u will think we're just like the other family out there who is gonna build a happy family..yes we might..Until then , 7 months after i was born..a tragedy happened that is gonna change my whole life forever(it did).My dad died.Everything was falling apart after that..8 years later ,I went to school like the other children..But what was different between me and them is that i don't have a dad to wait for me after school dismissed.I remembered every time teachers asked about family members ,what is your dad occupation ,what is his name ..i get so upset afterthat ...And believe it or not , some schoolmates started to take advantage of me and saying words like "u dont have a dad? , ur mom pick u from the rubbish , pity orphan!" Of course i was so upset about this...how can u asked a 8 years old kid to take this kinda pressure all by himself. But i never tell my mom what happened to me in school..i will just say i had fun in school with my schoolmates..and i still remembered i can see the sign of relief in her eyes. There is something special about me...something that tells me not to make mom worry anymore. i never tell anyone what happened to me...if u know me...u will just think that i m a happy person with a peace of mind.But i ain't.

Growing up , as a kid , I learned a lot in my life. I handled most things all by myself. Slowly, i realised that i had this strong feelings over man. I started to have crush here and there and ended up frustrated as i m the kind of person who never take the initiative to tell people how i felt.Life goes on. I had a lot of friends.They are really good person .But even though i m surrounded by a billions of them i will still feel lonely. i had been praying to GOD. So that He can send me someone special..someone who will be there for me until the end of the world(not sure how to put that in words). i waited and waited so long.Everynight i m telling myself that i m gonna meet him tomorrow. have a little faith. have a little patience. But all i can say is..i m tired of waiting and searching. Everyone ends up to be a mistake to me.(i never meet any real PLU person in my life,i had been chatting with them sometimes..but never really wanna meet them bcos of what they want(u know) And that's not what i want.And the story continued with the same thing happened .

Lonely E.S.

PS: Want to feel what i feel at the moment? close your eyes and listen to the song..feel the lyrics along..and maybe u will get a little of what i feel right now...thx

Time Of My Life

Yeah , so this is it...my 1st blog in my life..kinda don't know how to start it...i just gonna start this blog with a brief introduction of myself ..So my name is Lonely E.S. and i m living a very hard life now. I have been gone through all kinds of ups and downs and i m glad i m still alive. Maybe my life is a lot like your world. Maybe it’s nothing like it. I am someone who is trying to find my way; someone trying to find my place; someone trying to find myself.Sometimes it's easy to feel like you are the only one in the world who’s struggling, who’s frustrated, or unsatisfied at barely getting by.But i know u guys are also facing your own problems. We all need a little help sometimes, someone to help us hear the music in the world. To remind us that it wont always be this way.I will unveil my identity one day , but for now ,just call me Lonely E.S. and i really appreciate your time here with me.

Lonely E.S.

PS: Want to feel what i feel at the moment? close your eyes and listen to the song..feel the lyrics along..and maybe u will get a little of what i feel right now...thx