Crush ( This time is real)

Do u know that i never bothered to search for someone online? i just don't like it..I don't know why.But there was one special day i started to put aside my stubborn thinking and started to search on this so-called dating site.(this is my fate i guess)I saw a bunch of sexy photos but that will never get my attention.I continued down the list..Something caught my eye..'looking for love'.I clicked on his profile and read his about me...i was thinking 'hmm..this boy had so much common with me..in the way of thinking and blablabla' so without hesitation..i added him in my MSN list.

His name was D.At first i was just like ,ok, just normal chat nothing special.Didnt expect much though...But then i found that what we thought are almost all the same...i can really feel for him. He started to make me laugh..for the 1st time i laughed from the heart...not the fake one i used to. I was having a really good tome chatting with him..sharing our thoughts.Then i called him on the phone in MSN..we started to talk and we really like each other(for me yes,but i dont know if he does) And there was a time he got a message from his ex and felt bad about something..i was so helpless sitting infront of the computer and can't do anything about it.I tried to console him..to tell him he is not alone..afterthat he got better..And afterthat i shared my life with him and i started to cry (as i told u guys i never tell anyone about my life) I dont know why i will tell him..i just feel so comfortable to talk with him.I followed my heart.

We talked and talked from about 9pm to 5am (longest i have ever had..ps:i have exam the other day,but i know what is more important for me)he started to give me faith and gave me supportive words.After that it all changed when he see me in the facebook.the 1st think i heard is 'u r not my type' i get stunned and so hurt..(there was one middle-east guy i meet several weeks ago that also said i m too short for him but i never feel that hurt because i dont have any feeling for that guy) But this time is a different story..we liked each other..but because of my look..it all changed.i started to get upset and have thoughts of killing myself...i told him i will kill myself and said bye.

That day,,..about 5.00A.M. i went out for a long walk and sit beside the pond opposite of my house.All kinds of thing was flashing in my mind.i was thinking..i never feel so hurt be4..why this time it is so hurt.no one ever make me feel that hurt be4..And then i realised..it was the real crush.the 1st ever in my life.(yes i had crush here and there but this one is just so special..feelings)Yes , indeed i m in love. i was thinking of jumping into the pond..but the pictures of my mom came into my mind.i couldn't break her heart.yes..it was so hard sitting alone beside the pond and wanna die but couldn't..i went back to home(didnt go for school) i closed myself in the room and i didnt eat anything for the whole day(this time i cant even feel the pain in my tummy, my brain is thinking of something else)

Late at night i sent D a message asking for forgiveness because of what i said to him..yes i felt so guilty..i m the type of person who rather take the pain by myself and not letting anyone feel the pain.and he forgave me.i said mayb we should be friends.BFF (best friend forever) perhaps..Yes i m still in love with him..but what to do..he doesnt love me. i dont really know how to handle that feelings. i cried(i dont remember the last time i did)..So that was it.we still chat in MSN..but everything seems to be different..because i m not his type now..so there is a limitation there.That night..i cant sleep ..keep thinking why i have to born like this.it is my fault to born this way i cant blame him for not loving me.( i wish i could hate him for not liking my looks, but i just cant, i dont know why)I was watching him sleeping through the cam.He slept well..which gave me a lot of relief..because all i want for him is happiness not troubles.

Lonely E.S.

PS: Want to feel what i feel at the moment? close your eyes and listen to the song..feel the lyrics along..and maybe u will get a little of what i feel right now...thx
PS2:i sang along with this song for many times but i never felt anything.but now i feel the pain because i know whats the meaning behind the lyrics.