Do I Have To Cry For You?

Dear lovely readers ,

The story continued. D came back from church and text me. He asked me what time i m going back the next day.So , we text and text.He said maybe he is going to visit me the next day because he will probably pass by my house tomorrow..Yes, i m touched and happy.Believe me readers , i wanna hug him so tight and never let him go and hope the time will freeze forever.But this feelings doesn't last long.I started to have fear again.That fear of getting rejected by him , the fear of him don't like me anymore after he see me. As i said , i really wanna meet him so much.But if it will be the final time for me to see him and hug him..i rather not meeting him.Yes , i am desperate.I don't know how to deal with that.I love him , and i never wanna lose him.


So i called him on the phone late at midnight. I told him that maybe we shouldn't meet tomorrow because i m just not ready yet. I told him my fear. I started to cry.(i told him it was a flu ..don't wanna let him know i cry for him..but i think he knew)I wish i could tell him how much i love him but i couldn't.I told him everything(almost) that i felt.I told him i m really tired on this .

We talked throughout the night.He shared his experience with me and told me that he understand my feelings as he went through that be4.I even told him i never want to be his friend(yes, a silly mistake indeed...i broke his heart)And the important part came , he told me why he can't love me because i m just not his type.He doesn't want to hurt me.My hands were shaking and i felt so cold.At that moment , i just wanna hug him so tight and look into his eyes to tell him that's why i love him.Bcos of his genuine heart , his kindness.(i never love him because of his look).But he was not there for me. I bare the pain deep inside my heart.It was broken into pieces...a million pieces.And so , we finsihed our conversation as he doesn't want to talk about it and feel sleepy.I understand and i said goodnight to him.


I wished i never tell him what i told him in the phone...I never want to break his heart and bring him much troubles.At that moment , i hate myself even more. I make his life even more complicated.All the tears and sadness are enough for him..He deserves every happiness in life.But i just couldn't put away that love for him.I just cant. Again , i didn't sleep that night.Mayb i did.But i don't know anymore. I started to think again. How nice is it if i were to born the way he likes.Everything will be so different in that way. Looks , personalities.....all perfect for him...And we will live a happy life together that we ever wanted. But , deep in my heart...i know ,that will only happen in my dreams....
Can't control the tears again.

I love you so much D , do you know that?
Lonely E.S.

PS: Want to feel what i feel at the moment? close your eyes and listen to the song..feel the lyrics along..and maybe u will get a little of what i feel right now...thx